Sign Up: Writer | Buyer
Contact Us

Empire State Building
350 Fifth Ave, Suite 7313
New York, NY 10118
phone: (800) 704-6512

Price: $30.00
Minor modifications of this article are permitted to adjust to the available space or to the publication’s editorial style.
Same-Person Marriage
by Andy Cowan
TheSyndicatedNews columnist

Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.

After I wondered if the saleslady could help me find the perfect gift for my wife, she asked if I could describe her a bit. “She’s nice, down to earth, empathetic, smart without flaunting it, an understated beauty, funny, a tad offbeat, not afraid of being feminine, but reasonably low maintenance,” I volunteered. Moments later, I picked out something after she assured me, “I think your wife will love this.” As I carried it to my car, I thought – Great. Now all I have to do is find “my wife”.

I once fantasized that the above happened. Back in the days when I figured marrying Ms. Right would help me avoid the over 50% divorce rate as effectively as the other way I’ve managed to avoid it. By not getting married.

A la the politician’s quote about his own fantasies, I “have no plans” to get married, but should a compelling reason to do so present itself, I won't rule it out. However, unlike this political season, there haven’t been enough viable candidates. Or maybe there were more than I realized. Perhaps the prescription for love is like the one for new eyeglasses. Things may look fuzzy in the beginning, but maybe I should have withstood an early headache or two before things kicked in and allowed me to possibly see clearer than ever.

Instead, I’ve basically been a long-time dictator in the world of I-Ville. What I say goes, and my one victim, “I,” kind of likes it that way. The longer you spend without somebody else weighing in, the more idiosyncratic your world becomes. Is my dictatorship a threat to my true happiness? Do I need somebody to, in effect, “invade” my world and overthrow me? Democratically ruled people live longer, as do married people. But what if after transitioning into the democracy of We-Ville, there’s the clear and present danger of continued fighting – especially if another dictator takes over?

I’d opted for I-Ville before I was supposed to be born. I’d broken free a month early, leaving behind my former cohabitant, my twin sister, for another seven-and-a-half minutes. I couldn’t even commit to a full-term pregnancy. Could my pre-natal sibling have impacted my future chronic need for my own space? You married quintuplets out there needn’t answer that.

Had I taken the plunge when many of my friends first did, there’s at least a fifty-fifty chance that my ex would be among the sea of exes out there. Would our parting have been amicable? Would money have screwed things up, or would we have simply drifted apart? So many contenders. See that one whose eyes glaze over when it isn’t her turn to talk? Imaginary ex marks the spot.

Some divorced women will only seek out a fellow divorcé, as opposed to an untested guy like me. If marriages were akin to presidential terms, I’d wonder about this logic, seeing as how subsequent terms are usually less successful. Then again, I’m missing a woman’s ultimate seal of approval, her willingness to take my name, along with the ultimate seal of disapproval, her willingness to return my name, after quite possibly calling me a name. Shouldn’t the lack of these two seals cancel each other out?

When given the opportunity to date a recently divorced woman, it's no wonder I feel a special responsibility. In the relationship relay race of life, her ex has, in effect, handed her off to me, who’s now faced with the challenge of proving his negatives were aberrations and that guys are worthy after all.

He was cheap? … Order anything you’d like! … He didn’t know how to have fun? … After dinner, let’s go dancing in a hot air balloon! … Your marriage failed, because it was a mirror on him, and he never wanted to look there? … Check, please.

Writer, producer and performer ANDY COWAN's credits include Cheers and Seinfeld. He can be reached through his website,

Published: Jul 11,2008 17:08
Bookmark and Share
You may flag this article with care.


Featured Authors
Andy Cowan
Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.
Paul M. J. Suchecki
Paul M. J. Suchecki has more than 30 years of experience as an award winning writer, producer, and cameraman. He's written numerous newspaper and magazine articles. Currently he writes, produces and shoots for LA CityView Channel 35 and his more than 250 articles for are approaching half a million readers.
Coby Kindles
Coby Kindles is a freelance journalist, screenplay writer and essayist. She has been a staff writer at Knight Ridder and a regular contributor to The Associated Press.
Debbie Milam
Debbie Milam is a syndicated columnist for United Press International, an occupational therapist, family success consultant, and motivational speaker with more than 20 years experience. Her work on stress management, spirituality, parenting, and special-needs children has been featured in over 300 media outlets including First for Women, The Miami Herald, Elle, Ladies Home Journal, The Hallmark Channel, PBS and WebMD.
Dan Rafter
Dan Rafter has covered the residential real estate industry for more than 15 years. He has contributed real estate stories to the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Business 2.0 Magazine, Home Magazine, Smart HomeOwner Magazine and many others.
Jack Nargundkar
Jack Nargundkar has been repeatedly published in Business Week, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The New York Times. He is also an author of "The Bush Diaries" published in July 2005.