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Vetting Dating Vets
by Andy Cowan
TheSyndicatedNews columnist

Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.

With New York's sanction of same-sex marriage, the first same-sex divorce can't be very far behind. The grounds: irreconcilable similarities. "You leave the seat up all the time." "You leave the seat up all the time."

When it comes to similarities, most of us are combing for at least a few between ourselves and our prospective partners. But one thing men and women both have that dating sites rarely if ever mention: Imperfections.

What if a site trumpeted our all too human sides, yes - proudly? In the interest of full disclosure, you'd be assured of no nasty surprises later. Instead of time-released flies in the ointment, would make them buzz-worthy from the get-go.

First, that all-important Jpeg.

Say goodbye to flattering lighting and Photoshopping sprees. Farewell to frozen images as accurate as the frozen dinner cartons that embellish the barely recognizable "meat" inside. Wake up to a whole new world of Internet dating by combing through sleepy-eyed strangers after they first awaken in the morning.

A Cuttothechase photographer would be camped out on location to make sure it's not an impeccably-coiffed Laura Petrie "waking up" after a fake night sleep, but the real deal in all its gory, uh, glory.

But Cuttothechase wouldn't stop there. Hung over? Having a bad hair day? Smile and say "cheese."

As for the handle above your image, forget the uplifting "Let the sun shine in" aphorisms. Your Cuttothechase adage for all to associate with the essence of your being is the answer to one simple question: What do you yell during fits of road rage?

If your diatribe is already taken, you can always be "Move Your SUV, You S.O.B. 2" (or 202).

Why entrust a description of yourself to someone as un-objective as you? Cuttothechase directs its personality profile questionnaires to the e-mail address of the last person who dumped you.

The only question you need answer: What is the e-mail address of the last person who dumped you?

As for the normal things you like to do for fun, Cutttothechase isn't really interested. Unless it's the spiteful things you like to do for fun. Dancing - who cares? Dancing on the pretend grave of the person who dumped you - now we're talking.

Last read: Lincoln's biography? Yawn. Prozac label? Sign in here.

If potential running mates need to be vetted, why not potential soulmates? Should you still manage to win each other's votes in the end, your relationship could stand a fighting chance of going the distance. Keep up the good fights!

Published: Aug 24,2008 22:05
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Andy Cowan
Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.
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