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My Virtual Date With You
by Andy Cowan
TheSyndicatedNews columnist

Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.

They say finding love is a numbers game, which is why a sole blind encounter stands about the same statistical chance of fruition as a distant future visit to the polar icecaps by former President Kucinich. So available women by the thousands, listen up. To appreciably up my odds, I’m about to turn this into an interactive virtual mass date.

Hi, I’m Andy. What’s your name?

(Say your name.)

Nice name.

(If your name is Andi, I’ll wait for you to chuckle. If you’re Andi, and you’re not chuckling, note to self: Might not share sense of humor wavelength.)

(Re: your name) Be sure to thank your parents for me.

(If you say, “Will do,” we’re moving on. If you say, “I don’t speak to my parents”) We have something in common. I don’t speak to them either.

(If you chuckle, note to self: She may have parent issues, but she seems nice… If you gave me a rim shot, note to self: Anything sounds moronic with a rim shot. Doesn’t mean it’s moronic.)

Where are you from?

(Say town.)

Always wanted to visit there.

(If you said Buffalo, I’ll wait for you to stop chuckling. If you’re not chuckling, see sense of humor caveat.)

So, what do you do?

(If you’re a doctor, nurse, or teacher) That must be rewarding.

(If you work a supermarket checkout aisle) Why not a third choice – “paper and plastic?”

(If you elaborate, I’ll show you my listening skills. If you sound annoyed with my question, I’ll try to make a joke) Ever feel like counting an obnoxious customer’s eggs as twelve items?

(If you give me a rim shot) Listen, it was nice meeting you. (I figure we might as well cut our losses.)

(If you apologize for being in a crummy mood, and that it has nothing to do with me) That’s okay. Is everything all right?

(If you relay something traumatic, I’ll feel embarrassed and try to make amends for prematurely ending our “date.” But if you go on to describe the small annoyances in your day, I’ll pretend I’m listening as I mentally rehearse how to again slip in the “It was nice meeting you” kiss-off.)

So what do you like to do for fun?

(If you say, “I love the sun,” I’ll try to hide my preference for cloudy days and blackening my windows.)

(If you say, “The usual – Movies, restaurants, traveling,” I’ll say, “Me too,” meaning I like “the usual” too, which could be different from your usual, but you don’t have to know that yet. That is, till my keyboard just opened its big mouth.)

Been watching the campaign?

(If you say, “What campaign?”) Listen, it was nice meeting you.

(If you say, “I’m still undecided”) Me, too. In fact, I’m still trying to decide whether Hillary’s laugh really was a cackle.

(If you say, “What a goofy word. “Cackle.” Go ahead, say it a bunch of times.”)

Cackle, cackle, cackle, cackle. You’re right! It’s starting not to sound like a word. (This is fun. This is what dating should be!)

(If you ask who I’m voting for) Chelsea in 2024. After voting against Jeb in 2016 and 2020.

(If you chuckle, I’m asking you out. If you offer me a rim shot, or a reason you’re for Jeb) Listen, it was nice meeting you.

Published: Aug 26,2008 17:01
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